What it means for me

I've been thinking a lot lately. I recently checked myself into AA for a severe drinking problem. Along with the drinking came a lot of drug abuse. I am 30 years old as of May 14th, 2008. Twelve years of my life spent wasted in a bottle. I am learning to live again. To love again. To be unselfish again. To dream again. Yes, to have a dream again is nice. These days I spend a lot of time alone, in solitude, by choice. I read. I write. I'm reminded of a line from Thomas Mann's Death in Venice - "Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamilar and perilous - to poetry." Which for me has always been an important part of my life. I don't subscribe to the theory that one should seperate the reader from the speaker. No. I want to believe the poem I am reading is of the author's own experience, something born of them. In a way, we are all voyers. We are sick of our own tired, boring lives. Such is evidenced by the onslaught of "reality" television. 95% of the poems I write are written from this point of view. If not, I use the pronouns, "he", "she", "they", etc... For me, after reading the forward to Knut Hamsun's, Hunger, wherein it is mentioned to be an effective writer, one must be willing to die on the page, to admit all his fears, desires, wants, needs, secrets, etc...my writing changed. No longer did I focus too much on the anecdotal, the self-depricating. Not that I dislike such writing, but as far as my writing went, it just wouldn't do. For those who know me in the flesh and blood, they know I don't take things seriously. I liken myself to the color man beside the well-rounded, studied announcer, breaking down the game, spitting stat after stat. I rarely talk serious issues, unless of course I know you and feel comfortable around you. I leave the seriousness to the page, a sort of window to my soul, as it has been said before. Hopefully after reading my work, you will perhaps come away knowing me a little better. Thank you.